Tracking the quirky (and sometimes not so quirky) adventures of parenting our (not so) new "short stranger."
Why "short stranger"? We received a Chinese fortune cookie predicting that "A short stranger will soon enter your life with blessings to share." Our short stranger arrived on November 4, 2009, and it's been quite an adventure.
OK, so Holden can have his "Goodnight Moon," but I think I want this book to read at my bedtime: "Go the F**k to Sleep," by author Adam Mansbach. According to initial reviews, Mansback's book (which has gone viral even before it's release next month) perfectly captures the familiar--and unspoken--tribulations of putting your little angel down for the night.
I just needed to post this, but I encourage you to read more from DaddyTypes as well as the LATimes. I think parents need to have a sense of humor (even if brutally honest) ... 'cause if we don't laugh about it, we'll end up crying our eyes out. Mansbach is a bit gruff, but it's funny because it's true.
If you manage to get a copy, let us know what you think. Awesome? Too much?
To follow-up briefly on the previous post, Holden is back to his usual sleep-loving self, thankfully. We had to do a little sleep training and a lot of reassuring that "daddy and mommy were nearby" and would "be there" in the morning. And--we changed his bedding from flannel to nice cool cotton. Within a day or two after our post, he felt back into his usual routine. The "mother's day incident" as we're going to call it, was just a good reminder that parenting is always full of surprises.
Last weekend we visited the Campbell grandparents in Iowa for Christmas (more on that in a prettier, more picture-filled post), and as expected, Holden had some trouble sleeping on the second night there. This has been a trend for the Short Stranger for months now--going back at least to our summer vacation in TN. Only rarely do we stay anywhere for longer than 2 nights, but when we do, he seems okay on Night Three. So from now on I deem this phenomenon "second night syndrome"--and will mentally prepare myself for a rough second night.
It makes sense, right? After traveling, he's usually pretty exhausted on the first night, so even though he may have trouble going to sleep, once he's out, he's good until morning. But on night two he's not quite as exhausted, he's in a strange place, in the same room as his parents, AND he's been busy exploring it all day. Heck, it's not like I sleep much better.
Usually when he wakes up on these nights, it takes us a while but we can get him back to bed after about 30-60 minutes of singing, story-reading, or (before age 1) nursing. This time we were so fearful that the nearby aunt and uncle could hear him use his newly-minted angry-screaming-"no no"-voice that we ended up letting him fall asleep on us. Not the first time, and probably not the last. Looking forward to the age when we can "use our words," as the daycare teachers say, to get over the second night hump.
Oh, and in case your wondering--he had no trouble sleeping when we returned home. Never does. And that's why it's simply the "second night syndrome."
It seems like a brief update is in order now that we have officially ended week one of daycare. Things are still bumpy , and Holden hasn't been napping nearly enough, but on Thursday and Friday he figured out how to sleep on his own in his crib, and on Fri he even took a real 1 1/2 hour nap. He was fussy on those last two days though, due perhaps to teething they said--although I have to wonder if it was more the lack of sleep mixed with a small dose of separation anxiety. That said, we have progress on the nap situation and that's good. And even better, he seemed to be able to nap without a problem today for us. Meanwhile, on the parenting side, it seems we need to figure out some issues for us as well. On day 2 we forgot to bring in his lovey (which resulted in a mad rush to the daycare at noon), and on Friday we left daycare without packing up all the bottles. Every morning has been a rushed struggle to get all the supplies in order.
More to come I'm sure. Right now, I'm just happy to enjoy the weekend with the wee one.
As I noted in my last post, ever since Holden learned to pull up, he's been struggling with his naps. Finally, over the last week, things have settled back to normal. Yes, all Holden needed to do was to learn how to get back down on his own. So once again, we can safely let him blow off 10 or 15 minutes of steam in his crib before he settles down, on his own, to sleep. Hip hip hooray! Glad that stage has passed.
In the past few weeks, Holden has discovered the wonderful world of pulling up and standing. And of course, there's no better place to practice this new skill than in the crib. So every time we've put him down for a nap, the seemingly sleepy yawning boy perks up to gleefully have some independent play time. At first this new nap time challenge presented us with some deep frustrations: he figured how to get up, but couldn't safely get himself down. So we'd either have to come in and teach him how to get down (over and over again, reminding him that it's "nap time"), or we'd suddenly here a loud cry and know that he clunked himself against the side. This required some soothing and made a productive nap period nearly impossible.
Thankfully this week Holden seems to have gotten the hang of getting back down himself. In fact, this has become his new obsession during wake hours. Thus, nap times seem to be getting better. Last week--I'd have to go in about 5 times each nap to help him down--and it would take up to an hour (and a lot of protests!) for him to actually fall asleep. This week: about 20 minutes of self-play. Woot! Glad this little stage is quickly passing.
And to think that years ago, we adults preferred standing to sleeping.
Recently, Mike and I have been receiving a lot of questions from friends and readers about sleep issues. I don't think this is because we are experts (far from it), but we've tried to talk openly about sleep here on the blog because we have come to realize its a) important; and b) the sleep books don't address the quirks and challenges that come along with the territory. Nor, might I add, do the books address the dynamic ever-changing miracle that is a baby--who grows, and gets sick, and teethes, and learns to crawl, stand, and walk--at least not in any comprehensive way. So in an effort to keep the conversation going, I wanted to post a question that a commenter asked:
"My husband and I have a 15 week old son and want to use a cry it out method to sleep train, but it's the missed feedings we feel terrible about...did you get your little boy up to nurse, then start over, or do they just go cold turkey? This would involve missing 2 usual feedings...it feels like no one addresses the issue on the net...do I need to get a book or what? Would love to know what worked..."
I remember being that parent, who hunted the internet and asking friends for answers, doing insane things to get him to nap (driving him around, for instance), wondering if anything would ever work. I sympathize!
To address the last question first, it's certainly up to you, but we used a book--and we read at least a couple of them. I don't think one specific method works better than any other, but if you use a book--and stick to it--you have a clear guide to follow. Something tangible, and spelled out. Something your can pour over in the evening while you're using the method. And here's hard part: don't second-guess yourself about it. Just use the book, to the letter, for a WHILE (more than 3 days or even a week). It's hard but you have to trust the process. My husband would write down how long it took for Holden to fall asleep on the back page of the book; it became part of his process, and was strangely meditative.
We used Jodi Mindell's book, but we also bought and read a beat up old copy of Weissbluth. I couldn't personally like the Weissbluth method because I find it too cruel (put them in the crib, walk away, and don't come back to check), but his book helped me understand how sleep works in babies. And for us, understanding the science behind it all helped us attack the problem.
As for the night feedings...according to Mindell, you should only do check/cry method at bedtime. If they wake up during the middle of the night, she says to soothe them however you normally would (if that means nursing them to sleep, so be it). Once they learn to fall asleep on their own, she argues, they won't wake up as much. For us, this seemed to be true. Almost immediately after we started sleep training, he stopped waking up in the middle of the night. He didn't actually seem to need those extra night feedings. We never woke him up for extra feedings, I just fed on demand during the day. And because I was a bit paranoid, I usually "cluster fed" in the evening (fed him several times within a few hours) to "tank him up." This may mean feeding your baby a couple of extra times during the day. But it's worth it, I think, for a solid nights sleep for you and him/her.
And here's the thing about sleep that took us a while to not only accept, but embrace. They will still wake up sometimes. They will have bad nights, and they will teethe, and they will have days when they don't want to nap (like today!) because that's a part of being human. I still nurse him in the middle of the night when he wakes up, because it's a soothing technique that works. And now, even if they catch me by surprise, I treasure those nights, because I realize that there are only a few months left that he'll even want to nurse (heck, he fights it during the daytime already!). I never thought I'd say that when he was 4 months old, and we were desperately searching for a solution, but it's true!
Wouldn't it be nice if they only did the teething thing once?
Holden is currently working on cutting his top two teeth, and this--along with his crawling/pulling up adventures--is wreaking havoc on whatever nap schedule he might have had. I knew this was coming. I had been warned. But it still doesn't make it any less frustrating.
The good news--since he's so obsessed with exploring, when he's awake his teeth don't seem to bother him. It just hits him once he's down for his nap. Which makes it all a little confusing, because we think all is well, and then bam, we have a whiny fussy no-napping baby who seemed perfectly happy when we put him down.
A couple of weeks ago I posted a short update about our new post-trip sleep problems. After a week or two or sleep training, adjustments to the routine, and general experimentation, we figured out that the problem was that Holden wasn't getting enough food at his final feeding. First we noticed that when Mike fed him with a bottle he wouldn't cry. So at first we thought it was a sleep-association problem. But then one night last week when Mike was away, after nursing him I tried giving him some more milk in a bottle. And...he drank another 5 oz and went to sleep without a wimper. The previous night when I had just nursed him he had cried over an hour. So...needless to say, this was a dramatic difference. Since then we've been supplementing, sometimes with formula (not my favorite option, but we have no other choice), and he's been his normal self, and has been sleeping all the way until 7 am. While I'm happy that we solved this problem, I really sad that my supply seems to be dwindling. Sigh. Any advice from you mothers out there who may have gone through this?
I have to laugh at the fact that just a couple of weeks ago I wrote a post about how sleep-training had worked and all was well...because...after a week long trip to DC, it seems that Holden forgot how to sleep in his own bed.
Not during his naps, mind you, just at night, for some odd reason. And since we had gotten so used to him going to bed without any trouble, we haven't adjusted very well to his new sleep problems, and have been falling into old habits.
So we're finally facing facts and getting our act together, and are starting to sleep train all over again. Unfortunately for us, Holden seems to be much more stubborn this time around (read=cries longer). Once we get this figured out, we'll be sure to write up a post, since I know there are at least a few of you out there who've been following this aspect of the blog rather closely.
At barely over 5 months old, our recent trip to Washington, DC, had a lot of new experiences to offer our little buddy, Holden. Bryna, Holden, and I headed out to DC last week for a conference I needed to attend for work in Baltimore, so the whole fam came along so we could all spend time with our friends in DC -- and so they could meet the little fella.
First, it was by far the longest trip of his life thus far, and the most time spent away from home yet. The 17 hour drive to DC and the 15-hour drive back were grueling, even for us adults (I'm still exhausted from the return trip yesterday). Holden got to visit 6 new states, quadrupling the number he has visited in the first 5 months of his life (those were Iowa and Missouri, and now we've added, Illinois, Indiana, Ohio, West Virgina, Pennsylvania, and Maryland ... yeah, I know, these are not the most exciting states in the Union, but they count nonetheless). And in addition to the long trips to and from DC, we also spent 1 night in Columbus, OH, and 4 nights in DC (staying at 2 different places while there, too).
So how did the little guy sleep given all these miles and new places to visit? Well, I'd have to say that he's truly a ROCKSTAR!! Not only did he sleep in the car very well, but he slept perfectly at the hotel in Columbus (we stayed at an Embassy Suites so we had a separate space for him), he napped great every day in DC except the last day, and he slept pretty darn well each night in DC (sleeping through the night twice without waking up). He fussed some during 2 of the nights in DC, but one of those nights there were a bunch of people eating Thai food and hamburgers downtairs and the other night he was competing for attention with two 3-year-old girls in the room next to his (I think the girls won).
Overall, Holden had a great time visiting DC. He got to meet everyone there, and I think he especially liked meeting Zoe (our friends' 3-year old daughter). Holden got some hugs and kisses from Zoe (very cute!), who is expecting a little brother of her own very soon (so she had to practice her baby kisses). She got to hold "Baby Holden," as she referred to him, and make him giggle with some good old-fashioned "booga-booga" baby talk.
Oh, and on his last day in DC, Holden decided to begin working on the "B" sound, which he practiced all the way home. He ever got out several "Br" sounds, which makes us think he's working on "Bryna" as his first word ; )
While the trip was long, and a bit rough at times, it was well worth it! I hope we have opportunities in the future to bring Holden back to DC (and maybe actually go to the District to see the sights next time).
It's officially been two months since Mike and I decided to sleep train Holden. If we started it anxious about the process and nervous about the outcome (and how long it was taking!), we now consider ourselves total converts to the sleep-training way of parenting. Holden can go to sleep at naps and night with nary a fuss, and if he feels like blowing off some steam he cheerily babbles to his mobile (which is hilarious to witness through the monitor). That said, I think that its important to note that sleep training is not a simple "3 night" solution, as many of the books suggest. Like all things related to parenting, its a process of continual adjustments, and there are always bad days here and there. It took us a while to realize this, but once we did it was smooth sailing. So for those of you out there contemplating (or going through) sleep training, here's a few things we learned:
The books don't really define what the mean by success: Sure, our kid started sleeping through the night within the magical "3 days" they advertise, but he didn't cut down on the bedtime crying for a week. And then he still would fuss for 5 or 10 min--sometimes more--for several weeks thereafter. We had to make our own little adjustments throughout--on the routine and the timing--and we had to consistently trust the process. Then one day, he stopped crying at all. Suddenly, we knew all of our work had paid off.
It's hard to figure out the timing: It took us a while to figure out that if we moved Holden's bedtime 30 min earlier, he would stop all that fussing. And there are still days when it's hard to figure out just when Holden needs a nap. And I know that this will constantly change, because he'll keep growing, maturing, adjusting his own need for sleep.
There will always be bad days: Sleep training does not mean the baby will always go down without a peep and will not wake up until the next morning. Sometimes he/she will, for some reason, wake up or fuss. Maybe its teething. Maybe he's having a mini-growth spurt. Maybe something's just bugging him. Once we made peace with this fact, everything began to run more smoothly.
It will change the way you think about crying and sleep: There's a philosophy out there that if a baby's crying, it's because they need you. I agree with this to some extent, but I don't fully buy it. After weeks of working on this sleep thing, I think that sometimes--often in fact--babies cry because they're overtired. We've learned that if you protect their sleep, they cry a lot less. Which brings me to my second point: Mike and I have now become fierce advocates of sleep. We protect his nap times as much as we can, to the point that I think it probably drives some of our friends nuts. But it pays off big time. Holden is happy, active, and bright eyed, and (in my obviously biased opinion) intelligent. His naps have gotten longer over time, and he can stay up a little longer--all because we've continued to make sleep a priority.
And the best part, we now have time to ourselves: Now that Holden goes to bed before 8 pm, Mike and I have time to work on projects, watch TV, and just relax. During the weekends Mike is able to garden outside during Holden's naps. And I can work on my school projects in spurts throughout the day, because I can almost always count on the fact that Holden will nap at least 1 1/2 hours in the morning, and at least an hour--sometimes 2-- in the afternoon. And it's my firm belief that happy parents make a happy baby!
As I mentioned in my previous post, this week we had to take an unexpected trip to Iowa for my paternal grandpa's funeral. Because my brothers were staying at the parents' house, we stayed at my maternal grandma's house, in her finished basement. And since the visitation was Tuesday evening and the funeral midday Wednesday, we decided to stay 2 nights. This was the first big test for Holden away from home, only about two weeks after we had started sleep training. How'd he do? Well let's just say that Holden's not quite ready to take the show on the road yet. In retrospect, we wonder if we wouldn't have been better off leaving after the funeral events and arrive home to our own beds late Wednesday night.
The first day went surprisingly well. We arrived just in time to go to the visitation, from about a 4 1/2 hour drive that Holden mostly slept through. Despite the fact that it was cutting into his bedtime, the little guy was a real trooper and even a bit of an entertainer that evening. He apparently decided that the large room would be a good space to test his vocal cords, much to the amusement and entertainment of his older relatives. That night he went to bed about an hour later than his usual bedtime and fell asleep within 7 minutes of being put to bed. I was amazed by this feat, considering that we were a) staying in a really dark, kind of creepy basement; b) he was in a pack n' play; and c) we had him in a rather large room just outside the door of the bedroom we were sleeping in. After about 30 min, he woke up, but settled fairly quickly after I went to check on him. And then thankfully, he slept the rest of the night.
But the next day we weren't as lucky. In the morning we tried to put Holden to bed for a nap to no avail, which pretty much resulted in an hour-long struggle of wills. This was okay though, since thankfully, he made up for this nap by sleeping through the funeral. The real struggle came that night when, after a day of too many new faces and not enough daytime zzzs, he just would not sleep. We did our usual routine, put him to bed, sat quietly nearby in the bedroom....and he wailed. He wailed and he wailed and he wailed. And we checked often, but with little luck. So in fear that we might wake my grandma and the neighborhood, I nursed him until he was pretty much asleep, and put him back in bed. And after a few fusses he fell asleep for the night...or so we thought.
About 30 minutes he woke up again, and we tried to console him. This didn't work. He would stop, and about 5 minutes later, start up again. We waited and checked again, and again, and...well you get the picture. We started writing frantic notes to one another in the nearby room "what we do? I don't know...you try something...." I tried to nurse him again. Didn't work. Etc., etc. Finally, about 3 hours after he we had first put him to bed, Mike took him in his arms and somehow, was able to soothe him to sleep. And then he gingerly put him down, crept into our room, and we both held our breaths. Finally, he was asleep, and amazingly he didn't wake up until morning. And thankfully, because my grandma's hard of hearing, she didn't hear a thing!
So it looks like Holden needs a little more practice before we leave home again. That's the bad news.
But here's the good news. Last night he went to bed with few problems, and this morning he napped for 2 hours straight. In other words, this blip didn't seem to affect his overall schedule. And this trip helped us to think about what we can do better next time he has so much trouble. Which is fortunate, since we have another trip coming up in mid-April! Are you sure you want us at your house, DC peeps?
So we've now gone for 8 straight nights of sleep training using the Mindell method (a modified Ferber method). And if you've been following my posts, you're probably sick of reading about this -- which is why I've waited a couple days to provide another update. Well, and I was just too excited tonight not to post about this project. So here's the summary from nights 6-8:
Night #6: just like the fifth night, this was somewhat demoralizing. Holden cried for 42 minutes, making this the worst night (for all of us). He was extremely fussy at bedtime, which might have been a true sign of this whole "extinction burst" thing that I kept trying to convince myself was happening each night.
Night #7: major break-through ... Holden only cried for 19 minutes. This was a full day of nap training that just about killed Bryna and myself (I came home to watch Holden and to be here when the plumber showed up, since our sewer pipe was backing up ... which added to the stress). We did make a couple changes to the bedtime and naptime situation, including adding some white noise using a sound machine and putting one of Bryna's shirts tied in knots in Holden's crib. Overall, this night was a huge moment, but only if it lasts...
Night #8 (tonight): Holy schnikes! Holden only cried 9 minutes tonight (and that was after a particularly fussy bedtime). Can I get a "boo-ya, grandma"!!! While the 19 minutes the previous night could have been a fluke, now I truly believe this is working, and that we're making major progress. What a freakin' relief! I had confidence that we could make it through this and that Holden would respond well, but those nights when he cried for 40-42 minutes were enough to make me question this whole method and process. But now I am leaning back toward worshiping Dr. Mindell (and the general belief in the whole "cry-it-out" sleep training method). Even our soon-to-be new pediatrician was completely in support of this sleep training (which boosted our confidence as this week neared its end). So anyway, without going on forever, we're just so glad that Holden is turning a corner here on this whole going-to-sleep thing. I feel like he's never quite ready to give in until mommy and daddy go through some serious stress, doubt, and a bit of crying.
Now it's time for Bryna and I to relax, have some of her patented Spicy Penne, some good Italian wine, and bask in the progress of the past week (and maybe even watch a movie ... how crazy would that be?!?!?!?). Not that this is over yet (because I'm not that stupid), but it's going in a good direction, which kind of re-energizes us and puts some much-needed wind behind our sails again.
p.s To all of you fellow parents who have sent us your own advice and success stories of sleep training through blogs, Facebook, or e-mail, a huge thanks! It means a lot to us to have a support community out there, even if it stretches from New York and Washington, DC, to Chicago and Austin, Texas.
Holden fell asleep by himself this morning in his crib -- he just fell asleep laying there with some toys. I think those other new parents reading this will understand why this is post-worthy, and why I need someone to pinch me or something. Yay!
Just really quick, so after 40 minutes of crying last night (Night #4), Holden slept for 12 hours straight (which is really crazy, but great!).
And a brief summary of Night #5: Holden cried for 38 minutes total tonight ... again. How long he sleeps tonight is of little consequence to me now, since I'm much more concerned about him shortening the duration of his crying at bedtime -- if it doesn't shorten soon, I'm going to start getting concerned that we're confusing him by not taking this approach at nap time, and we might need to start that project sooner rather than later). I know this will all seem less painful and simpler in hindsight, but it's starting to seem more complicated and more problematic the longer it lasts.
And I did find a great dad blog called DadWagon written by a group of journalist-fathers, and I found a set of postings entitled "Sleep Training: A Necessary Evil, or Just Evil?" Here's my fave quote (among MANY) from these posts:
"I think I had a harder time letting my kid cry it out before I realized the vast universe of things that make my kids wail. Can’t wear a specific pair of pajamas? They cry. Offered vegetables one too many times? They cry. It makes you realize that not every fit is a deep referendum on their parent’s love. Just today, my 21-month-old son cried because I didn’t let him play with the dog’s water bowl at our friends’ house. Nobody would think I was being cruel or scarring my kid. There are some things that you just have to draw the line at, and let the kid cry if he wants about it. I think sleep is one of those things."
I'll post again on this subject only if we have any developments -- as some of you may be tired of reading about our sleep training on a daily basis ... pun intended ; )
We're currently on day 3 of our Mindell bedtime sleep project, and because it's snowing here in the 'Lou I can't leave the house as I usually do. So what am I up to? Well, because I can't bear to hear the little guy cry, and because we're trying to break him of the nursing association, I have been doing what I can to avoid the situation: I'm sitting in our sad little unfinished basement with the cats, with headphones on listening to music, waiting for my cue to go upstairs. I should be working on school work, who could concentrate on that at a time like this? Yes, this is how we're spending our first Valentines Day as parents. Thankfully, I've just gotten a text from Mike that Holden is now quiet, so we're just waiting to make sure this is it. And then we'll snuggle up to some Olympics, some chocolate, and some wine! And really, Mike's hard efforts here are about the best gift he could ever give.
Of course, I'll let Mike post his experience at a later time.
If you're tuning in to this blog today, you're probably one of the people thinking, "What happened during the second night? Did he cry more, less, or did everything come to a crashing halt as Mike caved in to Holden's crying?" If you're thinking that last part ... come on, give me some credit here. I'm going to stick this one out, if only due to the pressure of having people checking-in on our blog ; )
First of all, a quick nap update. We're not doing the Mindell sleep method with naps yet, since her book recommends that parents fix sleep problems by working in this order: bedtime routine, bedtime, naptime routine, naptime. We're at the bedtime stage of the project, and naps will come next. But Holden is having real trouble with napping, and we're just doing whatever it takes to get him to nap at all during the day (car rides, rocking, etc.). You'd think this would completely contradict our efforts with sleep training at bedtime, but several sleep experts claim that babies nighttime sleep patterns/behaviors and daytime nap patterns/behaviors are actually processed separately in their brain, so messing with one does not necessarily mean that the infant makes a connection with the other. I'm not sure I'm 100% convinced of this, but I'm giving these "specialists" the benefit of the doubt. The photo to the right is taken during one of yesterday's car rides to get Holden to nap (which failed -- as you can tell in the photo, which was taken by me reaching my iPhone over the seat at a stop light and taking a snapshot to check on him ... a hint we got from our friend Elissa).
OK, now on the main event -- Night #2 of the Mindell sleep training. Holden got tired pretty early in the evening, and so I started the bedtime routine a bit early (about 6:45pm-ish). Holden got fed, and then we went through the standard diaper changing, pajamas, reading a book (we actually read 3 last night), and then singing before going to the crib. I swaddled him, laid him down, and simply said "It's time to go to sleep. Good night, Holden," and left the room. He did not cry for about 2 minutes, but then it began. The experts all say that the second night is the worst, so I was prepared for quite the evening. I did the incremental check-ins at 5 min., 15 min., and 30 min., and Holden cried for just about 40 minutes until he was able to sooth himself (so only about 10 minutes longer than last night, which is not too bad). While the duration of his crying wasn't terrible, Holden made it into a whole series of cries and screams that I will not describe here. But after he stopped, it sounded like he was able to calm himself by sucking on his hand or thumb, and then go to sleep. Unfortunately, after an hour, we woke up again, but miraculously was able to sooth himself back to sleep (which was a big moment for my little buddy!). After about 2 hours of sitting upstairs and standing-by, I went downstairs to text Bryna about the evening's events (and had a "reward" glass of vino). All in all, Night #2 was not that bad, considering that some infants can cry for 2 to 3 hours on the second night (I would have never been able to make it through that).
After he went to sleep, Holden was able to stay asleep until 4am (which is actually what we want -- not necessarily to sleep through the entire night until morning at this point, since he is still needing that nighttime feeding). And then after a quick feeding, he slept until a little after 7am. So he was able to sleep for about 11-11.5 hours last night, which is great since he's still not napping great during the day (although he's been already doing better on that front today, with 2 decent naps under his belt and one more to go).
We're hanging in there, with Night #3 coming up tonight. I'll try to provide another update tomorrow if I can find the time.
While taking a break at the coffee shop today (it's "Weekends with Dad" time, aka my PhD work hours), I logged on to facebook to discover Mike's post on his big ole' sleep project of the week and realized some of you may be wondering why I'm not there to join him in the fuss fest. Yes, as Mike has noted, it's partly because of our co-parenting commitment and our decision that Mike can take this one for the team. And yes, I really do need a break after the breastfeeding battle that consumed my life the first 6 weeks of parenthood (a topic deserving a real post at some point).
But the real reason comes down to this--if we're going to help Holden get the sleep he needs, we have to break him from his worst sleep habit: nursing-to-sleep. And frankly, since I know that nursing does indeed take the tears away, it's hard for me to keep myself from running to his aid if I'm anywhere nearby. So for the next few nights I'm taking a breather, seeing friends, doing our grocery shopping, and going to the movies. Whatever it takes to stay away. Because Holden can't always get what he wants, as the Rolling Stones would say, but hopefully, he'll get the sleep he needs.
OK, so the sleep battle entered a new level last night, with daddy bringing in the big guns (ie. a little help from psychologist & sleep specialist Dr. Jodi Mindell and her book Sleeping Through the Night). While there are about a million different ways of saying "cry it out" without using those three hated words, I'm just going to go ahead and call Mindell's sleep method one of your basic modified "cry it out" techniques-- or CIO, for those of us obsessing about it.
The Ferber method is the most commonly known (and chided) of these techniques. In fact, the new hit show "Modern Family" poked fun at Ferberizing recently (see clip below -- love it!).
Mindell's technique is really a modified Ferber, but all-in-all the goal is for baby to become a self-soother (so that they can put themselves to sleep at bedtime instead of requiring holding, nursing, rocking, repeat, repeat -- a pattern Holden was getting quickly accustomed to at bedtime). It's not nearly as extreme as "Modern Family" shows it, but also not nearly as funny. For some basic info. on Mindell, and to hear her talk about her perspective, check out her appearance on the TODAY Show last year.
So, back to last night (and I'm going to give a detailed account here, since such details from other people have been SO helpful for me in this process). While I had been reading up and studying Mindell's sleep method (to have in my arsenal in the battle against bad sleep habits), I had no intention of starting it this weekend. After a shortened bedtime routine with Holden, he began to fuss and cry, and would not even go near his crib without kicking and crying. Rocking, swaying, rocking, shushing, singing ... nothing worked, and we did this for about an hour (the last 30 minutes of which Holden just simply cried his heart out). Due to my own frustration, I laid Holden down in his crib to simply gather myself. And, of course, my thoughts quickly went to Mindell and her technique, and all the people recently who have said to try one of the CIO methods since they really work (in as little as 2-3 days, and then baby can be a sleep champion). Holden was already crying, and I didn't know what to do except give-in and try Mindell's technique. So I texted Bryna (who had left the house for me to have the space to do this 'sleep project'), and we both agreed to go in this direction.
I let Holden cry for 5 minutes, then I went in and checked on him to reassure him, but did not pick him up or try to sooth him. I left, and sat in the other room -- reading Mindell's troubleshooting sections a third time so that I would be prepared for anything that could happen. I was able to remain composed for 10 minutes, and then went in to reassure Holden and check on him quickly (still wailing). I returned to the bedroom, told Jodi Mindell's book that I would burn it if this didn't work, and then ... all of a sudden, something changed ... the crying stopped. What??? Is he OK? I turned on the motion sensor we have on our baby monitor to make sure everything was good, and it was (of course). After 28 minutes of crying, Holden had stopped and began to sooth himself (likely with his hand, since I did hear some sucking sounds). And that was it. I sat in the bedroom for another 30 minutes waiting, mostly in disbelief, but he was asleep. I hesitantly texted Bryna with an update (mostly worried that I would jinx everything): "Not bad. I told you we could do it." She replied "Wow that's better than I thought it'd be!"
So how long did Holden then sleep for that first CIO night, you might ask? Well, let me tell you. He slept straight through the night for 10 hours ... yep, 10 hours!! Boo-Ya, Grand-Ma!!!!
I don't want to get ahead of myself, but thanks to Jodi Mindell (there she is on the right) -- who, if this works, will be in my good graces for many years to come. If it doesn't end up working, I may still burn her book ; )
Team Holden & Daddy take on Sleep again tonight for round 2 of the CIO (cry-it-out) solution. We'll give another update tomorrow (not as detailed, I promise).
"Goodnight Moon," but I think I want this book to read at my bedtime: "Go the F**k to Sleep," by author Adam Mansbach. According to initial reviews, Mansback's book (which has gone viral even before it's release next month) perfectly captures the familiar--and unspoken--tribulations of putting your little angel down for the night.
