One Week

Today marks the first week that I return to full-time classes (as a TA, while dissertating), and the last week that I star in the dual roll of full-time student, full-time mom. Yes, Holden is going off to day care next week. How do I feel? Depends on when you ask, but mostly...ready for it.

Yes, I'm sad that our days together will come to an end, but I'm also excited, so very very excited to have uninterrupted work time. The kind of writing-related work time in which you can--if you want--sit alone at your desk reciting your words out loud, to see if they sound as good as they look, and not have to worry about waking anyone up. The kind of work time that involves being able to dive into a theoretically dense text and really, really, spend time wrestling with and conquering it. I'm sure that Mike is ready too--there were some days this summer, when I was trying to balance teaching and parenting, that I think I drove him mad.

I'm also grateful. I'm grateful that I had the rare opportunity to be full-time academic and mom (even it was hard to maintain that balance sometimes), and to be able to fully experience the wondrous thing that is Holden. This was thanks mainly to a husband who wanted to be more than your average dad. The work-life balance is a big messy unresolved issue in academia. There's no way I could have written an article and proposal in the spring, or taught a class in the summer, without him.

So now we wait, excited, nervous about how it will all go for next week.

Father's Day

It's a little late but it must be said, few do fatherhood as well as Mike does. And those of you who follow this blog know that. So happy father's day to you my dear. Keep doing what you're doing. I couldn't get Holden to say da-da, yet, but at least I got him to crawl. Quite the gift!

Valentines Day with Dad

Yesterday Mike and Holden surprised me by stopping by the local coffee shop, Gelateria del Leone, where I was normally study on the weekends. A little snow and wind didn't stop them from making the trip. The two looked so cute all bundled up together with the bjorn, although all of us are getting a little anxious for warmer weather, when the outfit Mike's wearing here would be a little more appropriate for the outdoors!

The Bedtime Battle: Why I'm not there

While taking a break at the coffee shop today (it's "Weekends with Dad" time, aka my PhD work hours), I logged on to facebook to discover Mike's post on his big ole' sleep project of the week and realized some of you may be wondering why I'm not there to join him in the fuss fest. Yes, as Mike has noted, it's partly because of our co-parenting commitment and our decision that Mike can take this one for the team. And yes, I really do need a break after the breastfeeding battle that consumed my life the first 6 weeks of parenthood (a topic deserving a real post at some point).

But the real reason comes down to this--if we're going to help Holden get the sleep he needs, we have to break him from his worst sleep habit: nursing-to-sleep. And frankly, since I know that nursing does indeed take the tears away, it's hard for me to keep myself from running to his aid if I'm anywhere nearby. So for the next few nights I'm taking a breather, seeing friends, doing our grocery shopping, and going to the movies. Whatever it takes to stay away. Because Holden can't always get what he wants, as the Rolling Stones would say, but hopefully, he'll get the sleep he needs.

3 Months!

Last week our little pumpkin baby turned 3 months old, and we could hardly believe how quickly time has flown! Sometimes Mike and I feel like if we blink we'll miss something, Holden changes and grows so fast. He's now crossing the threshold between 0-3 mth clothes and 3-6 mth clothes (a fact we're particularly proud of since he started out so small). I now understand why some parents want to have a second baby so quickly after the first--I already miss him as a little tiny newborn. But don't get any ideas--we're plenty busy with one baby right now.

Since Holden's 1-month birthday, we've learned that he is indeed the active baby we initially thought he was. He loves his tummy time, has suddenly become determined to try to sit up on his own (he fusses if we hold him at his waist), and he has always resisted naps. Luckily, with the exception of some fluke nights, he's a pretty good night sleeper.

And if anyone is curious about the color of those eyes or that hair (what little he has)--both are still a bit of a mystery. His hair started out with a slight red in it, which still comes through in a certain light, but as it grows and starts to thicken it seems more blondish-brown. And his eyes are so dark they're almost black. Sometimes they look a deep slate blue, sometimes brownish or hazel. Since I have dark brown eyes, and since his eyes haven't lightened at all yet, we're guessing they'll probably be brown.

And the new parents? We feel like we've gone through a dozen mini-crises, enough now that we're starting to have a sense of humor about them (I hope...). First he wouldn't breast feed, then he wouldn't bottle feed, then he wouldn't sleep at night, then he wouldn't nap, then shots, then a cold, then...well, you get the picture. Pretty much the typical life of parents. And then there's our desire to share the parenting--to be as egalitarian as we can. It's a challenge to co-parent when one of us has to bring home the proverbial bacon, and it's complicated by the fact that I'm on leave but am still working on my dissertation, but we think we've done a pretty good job so far. But that is a topic that is continuing to evolve, and is worth a post or two from each of us. So stay tuned.

good morning, Holden

So, there is certainly one fact that has become clear in the Murawski-Campbell house: daddy is a lighter sleeper than mommy (no new discovery to those that know us). I think this is great (and you can all call me crazy ... not gonna bother me). OK, so I might be the one who wakes up first when little Holden stirs at night -- but nowadays he seems to be gaining an ability to put himself back to sleep. At least once a night (often more), Holden awakes due to the curse of hunger, and I am the one who changes him in advance of that 3am or 6am meal. Poop and pee are no match for me (and some Pampers ... soon to be Bum Genius ... magic).

Aside from the diaper changings, when little Holden wakes up in the morning -- usually when the sunshine comes through his blinds, but also often after daddy wakes up himself to go to work -- I frequently get to be the person who gets to say "Good Morning, Holden!", and my day begins just about the best way possible (seriously, see photographic evidence below). Holden is about the cheeriest baby in the morning, and almost always greets me with a huge smile in the morning. So, I'm cool with being a light sleeper and the first one up in the morning if it means I get to see the boy's morning grin.

The Newborn Top Ten

Now that we're emerging out of the newborn phase of parenting and into something that feels more manageable and even predictable, I thought a "top 10" was in order. It is, after all, the end of the year, when such lists are particularly popular.

So without further ado, and in no particular order, I give you the top ten items that helped us survive the first 6 or so weeks of parenthood.

10. Swaddling Blankets. And by this, I don't mean receiving blankets, which are the more common blankets you'll find in stores. Receiving blankets are just too small to swaddle even the smallest of babies, and they're rectangular, which means they don't wrap properly. Swaddling blankets, by contrast, are larger and square. Used properly, they would send little Holden into a sweet womb-like dreamland.

9. Diaper Rash Cream. Long story short: Holden has sensitive skin, and his mom and dad didn't realize this until a sad little rash appeared on his bum.

8. Food Made/Bought by Friends. When you're too sleep deprived and busy to cook pasta for yourself, the soups, casseroles, bagels, and take-out that friends bring are lifesavers.

7. Power Bars. Because sometimes heating up our friends' food was too much work, and because on those first few nights, when I was feeding around the clock, I would become ravished at 3 am.

6. Vitamin Water. On a tip from our friends Jen and Jeremy, we wisely stocked up on Vitamin Water in advance of Holden's arrival. This became a lifesaver--a needed energy boost on those days when we were going on 3-4 hours of sleep a night.

5. Breast Pump. Months ago, after our friend Jen insisted I purchase the pricey Medela pump-in-style advance, I hesitantly forked over the dough, sure that I'd hardly use the device. How wrong I was! Because Holden had latching issues, the pump became a necessity--for the first week I found myself using the quick-and-efficient double pump several times a day. And now, it makes feedings for those Saturday afternoons with dad so much easier.

4. Exercise Ball. Before we had Holden, we purchased an exercise ball at the advice of our birthing instructor, with the intention of using it to help ease the pain of early labor. It only became useful after his birth--when we learned that bouncing on it would almost instantly calm Holden down from crying. He's since become less fussy, but the ball still sits in our room as a last resort if the little guy becomes inconsolable.

3. Moby Wrap. This baby wearing wrap (see right) has become the go-to item in our house when Holden really wants to be held, but we need our hands free to get something done. At first, Holden was the type of active baby who did not like to be contained in any wrap devices. But once he learned how to control his body parts just a little bit, he came to love snuggling up next to his mom or dad.

2. "Total Baby" iPhone App. It's an app. in which you can track how many times you nurse, which breast use you use (or how much is in the bottle), and how often the baby pees and poops. Yes, you read that right. Because at first, keeping track of these things is really, really important.

1. iPhone! Not only did I use my iPhone for the baby app, but also to keep my sanity. At night, when I would be feeding Holden for the umpteenth time in those first few weeks, I would entertain myself with all the various news apps, with facebook, and twitter. The iPhone can be used with one hand, which makes it easier to manage than a book, and the NYTimes app, for instance, is always updating with new articles and essays. Simply put, it made sleep deprivation bearable.

And there you have it! This is what worked for us, but may not work for everyone. Of course, the best help comes in human form--in the family and friends that have been there to support us over the weeks! Thanks everyone!

Saturdays with Dad

We've now decided that Saturdays will be dedicated for Holden to spend some time with dad (also allowing Bryna to run errands, get work done, and have some time to herself). Today was the first official "Saturday with Dad," and it was very chill-axin' (chill + relaxin'). Holden and I spent some time taking a nap, watching the end of a movie on DVD, singing songs and dancing (most of today's songs related to the crackers that I ate with lunch called "Vegetable Entertainers" ... that provided a lot of material for some pretty inventive songs that I plan never to repeat; NEVER).
The boy is now one month old (yay!), and we celebrated this milestone with the my co-workers in the Education Division at the Saint Louis Art Museum (and they even had a cake, mmmmmm). And, we also took an outing to Noel and Elissa's yesterday evening, where Holden could celebrate and say hi to Zeke (who is in preparations for the baby derby, which WILL occur once both the boys can crawl ... date TBD).

what the #$&% is a "push present"?

OK, so our friend Becca just sent us an article from the New York Times about something called a "push present," or sometimes referred to as a "baby mama gift" or "baby bauble." What the #$&%!! Not that I don't think that every woman deserves major praise, attention, and anything they want after going through pregnancy and especially labor, but this seems like another typical American consumerist craze that is most likely sweeping Manhattan and Rodeo Drive (and maybe Ladue here in the STL). Seems to suggest that fathers might feel really guilty for standing on the sidelines while their wives carry, deliver, and take care of their baby. I mean, better get her a ring and a pat on the back [sarcasm]. But maybe she might prefer that the new dad actually help out at home -- not just hiring a cleaning service to clean the house, but maybe actually changing diapers, getting up in the middle of the night, taking baby to doctor's appointments, etc. [not sarcasm].

So my "push present" may seem lame, but I plan to thank Bryna by doing as much as possible to help take care of the baby and be a parent, and help around the house as much as I can. I know, I know . . . here I go again with the same old rant. But do we really need to start buying diamond rings for women after they give birth??

If anyone has ever received or given a "push present," please post of comment and let me know your thoughts. Is it necessary? A nice perk? Total consumerism?

Couvade syndrome, or pulling on the rope a little

OK, your first question is probably "What the heck is Couvade syndrome?" Well, good ole' reliable Wikipedia defines it as follows:

"a psychosomatic condition in which an individual close to an expectant mother, commonly her partner, experiences some of the same symptoms and behavior as the mother near the time of labor. These can include pains, aches, depression, food cravings and restrictions, insomnia, and exhaustion."

So am I experiencing any such "symptoms"? Well, not completely, but I have had this back ache that has been driving me crazy (and my back pain has been worse than Bryna's, believe it or not). And overall anxiety about the to-do list, the nursery, childbirth classes, health, cleaning, rightful increased share of housework, finances, friends, family, work, and health insurance has certainly increased the amount of stress that I'm experiencing as an expectant father. As Almost-A-Dad states in his "8 Reasons Why Pregnancy Makes Fathers Tired," stress works in a a tricky way. First, it makes your mind run like a Kenyan marathoner so it's not always easy to wind down at the end of the day. Second, stress causes a release of cortisol in your body that not only helps pack on a few pounds by messing with your blood sugars, over time it will make you feel depressed and anxious. But it's only a warm-up for the stress and anxiety of having a new baby, so I'll just convince myself that this is anthropologically/biologically-driven preparation for being a new father.

Your second question is "What does pulling on rope have anything to do with this?" Well, leave it to art to bring a new perspective to any issue in life. The quaint randomness of the blogosphere recently directed me toward the Huichol Indian tribe of Mexico and their ritual for ensuring that men share in the pains of childbirth. Apparently, the woman in labor would lay down in a hut, and her husband would sit in the rafters above her with a rope tied around his testicles ... and, when the woman had a contraction, she'd pull on the rope (all men reading this just cringed ... and all the women just snickered). Here's a work of art from the collection of the Fine Arts Museum of San Francisco that depicts this interesting custom:
Next time a man asks what labor pain feels like, I'd just tell him about this ... end of conversation.

OK, so I don't feel any better now -- esp. since I've now added a new anxiety to my long list (take another look at the image above in case you don't know what I'm talking about). But at least I could vent a bit about pre-natal father anxiety and stress -- of course, always only a small fraction of the stress and physical discomfort of the actual mother-to-be (I do realize that I cannot even try to compare).

33 days to go until the projected due date! [blood pressure increasing]

the increasingly complicated role of the father-parent

OK, so it's been quite some time since I dipped into the "gender rant" realm, but here goes another small dose from the mind of Mike. Sorry for these rambling, random thoughts and links. I'd enjoy any comments.

With Short Stranger on his way pretty soon, the mom-to-be and myself have certainly been having more and more conversations about what roles we'd like to have as parents, and how to really be involved in a much more equal way--and what that really means given the restrictions of our lives (that happen to currently fall into somewhat gendered categories). How does the 9-5 working parent share in the tasks of raising a child as much as the parent working/research/writing from home? Outside of leave time and flexible schedules, what might this really be like?

I'm not going to swallow a bug here, so I'm not going to get in-depth on my own thoughts on this topic too much right now (I don't think there is any way for me to write a complete post here without getting a strong backlash from someone or other -- trust me, I've typed and deleted several paragraphs already). But I will say that fathers too often tend to serve a much more distanced or removed parenting role than mothers. And I'm not even just talking previous generations, but I mean now. Not everyone of course (I can think of a few examples of fathers who really have stepped up to the plate to be fully knighted as parents -- you know who you are). And I'm not certain most guys consciously do this at all, but somehow this is how the chips fall. On the flip side of the coin is the mother who thinks her husband should stay far away from any real parenting-like things. That seemed more conscious with earlier generations, but I think today society is playing its dirty role of pressuring mothers into being "good mothers" and taking on everything (full-time mom roles, full household work, professional working roles, etc. etc. etc.).
I'm going to give my hats off to Backpacking Dad for his recent post that discusses fathers in the role of "Immersed Parent." I'm not sure I agree with everything he writes here (I might be a tad more radical than him), but he's totally on the right track here with his "Feminism and the Immersed Parent":

"One of [the] roles men must accept, the most important and the most foundational, is the role of Immersed Parent. Anecdotally and historically fathers have not been Immersed Parents as a rule.... Fathers today are being asked, and are asking, to be immersed just as, classically, mothers have been. Not every father is being asked to become a primary caregiver, an at-home dad, or even to come up with a complicated scheme to ensure that the parenting responsibilities are divided utterly equitably. But I think every father is being asked, now, to be Immersed in his fatherhood. Because with this immersion comes a respect for a role that women have traditionally maintained, and a different perspective on the social and economic conditions affecting that role."

As a feminist myself, I really enjoyed reading another father's thoughts on these issues (it's rather rare to find another father quite as honest about these things as this guy). And considering how my own role as an Immersed Parent (or co-parent) reflects my own respect for the role women have played is also a good thought. Here's another interesting statement from Backpacking Dad (why backpacking, I'm not sure)-- discuss amongst yourselves:

"... just as the workplace does not need to be structured solely according to male needs and input, neither does parenthood need to be defined according to what mom would do."

Finally, in my reading of blog comments and other links, I also came across the blog Daddy Dialectic, who about a year ago posted his own responses to the "10 Questions on Feminist Fatherhood." Again, not sure I agree with all of his thoughts, but at least he pushing buttons on this issue. I think he's working on a book called "Twenty-First Century Dad" (in press, I think).
And I'll leave you with one last link and provocation. The always controversial Linda Hirshman wrote a little diddy in the American Prospect a couple years ago that pushes against men rather hard, arguing that men are likely to adopt more equal parenting roles only if they need to sacrifice nothing to do so (ouch!). Here's a an interesting blurb from her 2007 article "What a Load":

"... experts estimate that men's relative contribution to routine indoor housework is now about half that of women's, and fathers are available to their children about three-fourths as much as mothers, interacting about two-thirds as often on weekdays." There we go: women are working twice as hard on the household scut work and one-third again as hard on childcare. Forty-four years after the publication of The Feminine Mystique, you've come a long way, baby."

As the role of parent gets closer and closer, I'm going to get more and more interested in what role I will play in this new stage of our lives (co-parent? Immersed Parent? just plain dad?), and how we both will navigate the very complex matrix of gender, society, parenting, grandparent-handling, diaper-debates, breastfeeding, daycareland, and the all-important star of this adventure .. Mr. Short Stranger, himself.

What the ???

Please, someone tell me what the heck is up with this website. I found this linked on DaddyTypes, and can't figure out what the angle is on this one. It seems perhaps a complete joke, or perhaps the humor isn't coming across quite right for me (or it's totally serious). Thoughts? Comments?

Website: LET'S PANIC ABOUT BABIES!

Through this site, I did learn that 45% of pregnant women's partners are "emotionally stunted jocks" and another 21% are either "total jerks" or "clinically insane." Now it all makes sense. I also learned about some things that will nauseate Bryna during the third trimester, such as "Elves" and "Zombies." Now you have to visit this site, right?

could the recession lead to a readjustment of gender roles?

... another valid question posed by a recent post on the NY Times City Room blog: "Who’s That With Baby at the Y? Why, It’s Daddy."

Seems that the recession could be increasing the parenting role of men, since males have had a higher percentage of lay-offs recently and since couples are trying to make their schedules as flexible as possible to share parenting responsibilities in order to prevent the need for child care (saving big time benjamins). Could the failed economic policies of the Bush presidency be leading to less gender segregated roles for parents? I think that was Dubya's master plan all along (sorry to get semi-political again -- I really try to refrain).

Wanted: A Small Step for Fathering

OK, I'm not sure if this will all come out and make logical sense right now, but I wanted to begin posting my growing questions and concerns about the stereotyping of fathers' roles in parenting (I reserve the right to revise my comments later as I have more time to think). As we've been going to baby stores, reading about pregnancy and raising a child, etc., I've been noticing what a rather small minority of new fathers must notice -- there is a lot of gender stereotyping going on. Is this world really more open to men who share the parenting commitment with their spouses? How many small (and large) barriers and annoyances will I encounter as I take a shared role in raising our son?

What sparked this? Well, for one thing, we really wanted to find an outfit for our son-to-be that said something connecting Father and Son (you know, for Father's Day). With the exception of a couple obnoxiously masculine baseball outfits with sayings like "Daddy's Hero" and things like that, there was pretty much nothing. However, lots of "Daddy's Little Girl." Is there something wrong in this society with a father connecting to his son as a parent? On the flip side, is there something wrong with a mother connecting with her daughter (there were also no Mommy-Daughter sayings on clothing)? So the corporate clothing manufacturers/designers are already determining parenting roles and parent-child relationships before the child is even born. And the color split in the stores is really annoying: blue and brown to the right, pink and yellow to the left . . . and DON'T CROSS THE STREAMS!

OK, so clothing is really insignificant in the whole scheme of things. What else sparked this? Here's a great NY-Times blog post I read recently which sums up a lot of my existing concerns and frustrations: "Changing the Language of Fatherhood." More power to you. I agree with the "Mommy & Me" focus of most parent-child classes (although our local YMCA does offer some general classes that do not specify "mommy," which I was happy to see). I would go a bit farther than Mr. Dreilsma and complain about the lack of expectant father and father parenting blogs that actually talk about anything real (other than tech gadgets and unrealistic gear). There are a couple good ones out there, but nothing in comparison to all the sites geared completely towards expectant and new mothers. I'm not expecting any level of equality on this, but would love to see more fathers blog about just parenting (and nix the tech-centric, BoBo, witty postings -- something I'm admittedly working on myself).

One final hurdle for new fathers -- lack of changing tables in men's public restrooms. Andrew Newman wrote a good piece on this recently in the NY Times, with blogger Greg Allen doing some field research on how many restrooms for men really had changing stations . . . not many.

So I'll keep posting any thoughts I have on this male parent gender role thing. Maybe I'll make more sense the next time.