Haircut

A few weeks ago, Holden had his first official haircut. We went to a place especially designed for kids, paid the extra money that such places require, and watched him pretend to drive in a little toy car while the lady quickly cut his hair. For the most part, Holden did great, until the last few minutes when he anxiously announced that he was "all done" and was ready to leave the chair. This may be why his hair ended up looking a bit wonky on the back right side. But over all, his hair has grown nicely into a pretty good looking cut.

That said, we had a hard time with this rite of passage. It was sad to see his longer "surfer" hair get clipped. This is not only because Holden has (in my humble opinion) some of the most beautiful honey-colored hair you could find on a person, but also because the shorter cut makes his look like such a boy. And I don't mean that in a bad way. Boys are great. But we are already battling so many things--the toys, the clothes, etc--that attempt to force our little guy into some 'ideal' of masculinity. I love having a toddler who has not a care in the world about the length of his hair, about the style of his clothes. And I don't like the idea that this might change. But his hair was just getting a little too uncomfortable for the repeated heat waves, and, well...we were getting pressured by the grandparents. Yes, the pressure to conform into some kind of ideal of a boy starts early. But hair can always grow back.

some things just never change

How is it that a simple trip to Target to buy some basic baby supplies for Holden's daycare can turn into a deep probing of parental gender bias in American society? Well, I'll tell you.

It all started as I was browsing through the baby clothes department at Target, trying to quickly find something to buy for Holden (on sale, and something that doesn't look stupid ... apparently two tall orders for Target these days -- esp. after they nixed their "Dwell" line of baby clothing). I noticed a couple stacks of t-shirts sitting on a display rack, and then kept on walking -- but my brain said, "wait, WHAT WAS THAT?!?!" So I stepped back, and took a closer look at the graphic on the t-shirts:
So what's wrong with this picture (besides that it's kind of a crappy iPhone snapshot)? It seems all cute and innocent. I can picture it being worn by baby boys attending a Mets game or a Monster Truck Rally with their dads, and people thinking "Oh how cute!" But if you take even a second to really think about what it is saying, it becomes quite terrible in a hurry. Is there really still a pervasive gender preference that fathers have for male babies? Haven't we gotten past that in this country ... in the 21st century. I mean, we get all shocked when we hear stories coming out of China about infanticide and violence against female babies given that country's strong, documented preference for sons. That type of thinking could never happen here. Perhaps this t-shirt I found in Target was made in China (and they are playing a funny yet complex joke on American consumers).

I decided to probe a bit deeper, and found out that this t-shirt might simply be stating the fact. For example, Gallup polls taken since 1941 consistently show that men would rather have a boy by more than a two-to-one margin. A 2007 Gallup poll of adults in the US showed that all people (not just men, but women too) show a rather sizeable preference for boys -- with the top reasons being that "men can relate to boys better than to girls," "boys can carry on the family name," and "boys are easier to raise." Other reasons included "girls are too emotionally and physically weak" and "girls are too high maintenance." So Target probably just did their saavy market research, and they are profitably tapping into our pervasive gender bias that hasn't changed in the US since 1941 (and that's all the rage in China these days, I hear).

I'm waiting for Target to come out with a whole new line of children's toys (made in China, of course) based on the popular poem from the ancient Chinese "Book of Songs":

"When a son is born,
Let him sleep on the bed,
Clothe him with fine clothes,
And give him jade to play...
When a daughter is born,
Let her sleep on the ground,
Wrap her in common wrappings,
And give broken tiles to play..."

Bjorn Baby, Bjorn!

It's no secret that I'm not a big fan of the popular Moby wrap -- it just does not suit me. Nothing that starts with a 50-foot piece of cloth is going to end well after being endlessly wrapped and tied around by body (not to mention getting baby inside and settled). While it is possible that my patience is very short with the Moby-thing, I have resorted to the MUCH better secondary option: the Bjorn! Yes, I am referring to the best baby carrier on the market. It's not just manly and cool, but has been featured in such classic Golden-Globe-winning films as "The Hangover." I also found out that the Baby Bjorn is twice as popular as the Moby wrap (so I have lots of company sharing my perspective).

Of course, we've not been able to put Holden into the Bjorn yet since he has been so small. But now that he's been on a real growth kick these past couple of weeks and he's getting vastly improved head control, I thought I would give it a try this past weekend (with lots of pent up excitement and anticipation).

Keeping my fingers crossed (figuratively), I quickly strapped on the Bjorn and snapped everything into place -- yes, I used the work "quickly" to describe this process, which I would never use with the Moby wrap. It all fit perfectly, with little directions needed. And I picked up Holden and slid him in ... again, with little struggle or puzzlement about what fold to wrap around him or how to adjust yards of cloth to get it all just right. And, for a first time, he seemed to like it (a little bit of fussing would be expected with any new carrier). And the second time I placed Holden in the Bjorn on Sunday, he really liked it -- so much that I was able to carry him around while doing some laundry and cleaning up some of his toys and stuff. He got to see everything I did, and I narrated every step of the way (... it's never too early to teach the boy how to do laundy, right?).

Hopefully, after some more practice with the Bjorn (and some more growing), Holden will be able to enjoy afternoons walking around, going to the store, etc. etc. ... all in the Bjorn. And then he and I can both say goodbye to the Moby -- well, at least when Bryna's not around ; )

what the #$&% is a "push present"?

OK, so our friend Becca just sent us an article from the New York Times about something called a "push present," or sometimes referred to as a "baby mama gift" or "baby bauble." What the #$&%!! Not that I don't think that every woman deserves major praise, attention, and anything they want after going through pregnancy and especially labor, but this seems like another typical American consumerist craze that is most likely sweeping Manhattan and Rodeo Drive (and maybe Ladue here in the STL). Seems to suggest that fathers might feel really guilty for standing on the sidelines while their wives carry, deliver, and take care of their baby. I mean, better get her a ring and a pat on the back [sarcasm]. But maybe she might prefer that the new dad actually help out at home -- not just hiring a cleaning service to clean the house, but maybe actually changing diapers, getting up in the middle of the night, taking baby to doctor's appointments, etc. [not sarcasm].

So my "push present" may seem lame, but I plan to thank Bryna by doing as much as possible to help take care of the baby and be a parent, and help around the house as much as I can. I know, I know . . . here I go again with the same old rant. But do we really need to start buying diamond rings for women after they give birth??

If anyone has ever received or given a "push present," please post of comment and let me know your thoughts. Is it necessary? A nice perk? Total consumerism?

Couvade syndrome, or pulling on the rope a little

OK, your first question is probably "What the heck is Couvade syndrome?" Well, good ole' reliable Wikipedia defines it as follows:

"a psychosomatic condition in which an individual close to an expectant mother, commonly her partner, experiences some of the same symptoms and behavior as the mother near the time of labor. These can include pains, aches, depression, food cravings and restrictions, insomnia, and exhaustion."

So am I experiencing any such "symptoms"? Well, not completely, but I have had this back ache that has been driving me crazy (and my back pain has been worse than Bryna's, believe it or not). And overall anxiety about the to-do list, the nursery, childbirth classes, health, cleaning, rightful increased share of housework, finances, friends, family, work, and health insurance has certainly increased the amount of stress that I'm experiencing as an expectant father. As Almost-A-Dad states in his "8 Reasons Why Pregnancy Makes Fathers Tired," stress works in a a tricky way. First, it makes your mind run like a Kenyan marathoner so it's not always easy to wind down at the end of the day. Second, stress causes a release of cortisol in your body that not only helps pack on a few pounds by messing with your blood sugars, over time it will make you feel depressed and anxious. But it's only a warm-up for the stress and anxiety of having a new baby, so I'll just convince myself that this is anthropologically/biologically-driven preparation for being a new father.

Your second question is "What does pulling on rope have anything to do with this?" Well, leave it to art to bring a new perspective to any issue in life. The quaint randomness of the blogosphere recently directed me toward the Huichol Indian tribe of Mexico and their ritual for ensuring that men share in the pains of childbirth. Apparently, the woman in labor would lay down in a hut, and her husband would sit in the rafters above her with a rope tied around his testicles ... and, when the woman had a contraction, she'd pull on the rope (all men reading this just cringed ... and all the women just snickered). Here's a work of art from the collection of the Fine Arts Museum of San Francisco that depicts this interesting custom:
Next time a man asks what labor pain feels like, I'd just tell him about this ... end of conversation.

OK, so I don't feel any better now -- esp. since I've now added a new anxiety to my long list (take another look at the image above in case you don't know what I'm talking about). But at least I could vent a bit about pre-natal father anxiety and stress -- of course, always only a small fraction of the stress and physical discomfort of the actual mother-to-be (I do realize that I cannot even try to compare).

33 days to go until the projected due date! [blood pressure increasing]

the increasingly complicated role of the father-parent

OK, so it's been quite some time since I dipped into the "gender rant" realm, but here goes another small dose from the mind of Mike. Sorry for these rambling, random thoughts and links. I'd enjoy any comments.

With Short Stranger on his way pretty soon, the mom-to-be and myself have certainly been having more and more conversations about what roles we'd like to have as parents, and how to really be involved in a much more equal way--and what that really means given the restrictions of our lives (that happen to currently fall into somewhat gendered categories). How does the 9-5 working parent share in the tasks of raising a child as much as the parent working/research/writing from home? Outside of leave time and flexible schedules, what might this really be like?

I'm not going to swallow a bug here, so I'm not going to get in-depth on my own thoughts on this topic too much right now (I don't think there is any way for me to write a complete post here without getting a strong backlash from someone or other -- trust me, I've typed and deleted several paragraphs already). But I will say that fathers too often tend to serve a much more distanced or removed parenting role than mothers. And I'm not even just talking previous generations, but I mean now. Not everyone of course (I can think of a few examples of fathers who really have stepped up to the plate to be fully knighted as parents -- you know who you are). And I'm not certain most guys consciously do this at all, but somehow this is how the chips fall. On the flip side of the coin is the mother who thinks her husband should stay far away from any real parenting-like things. That seemed more conscious with earlier generations, but I think today society is playing its dirty role of pressuring mothers into being "good mothers" and taking on everything (full-time mom roles, full household work, professional working roles, etc. etc. etc.).
I'm going to give my hats off to Backpacking Dad for his recent post that discusses fathers in the role of "Immersed Parent." I'm not sure I agree with everything he writes here (I might be a tad more radical than him), but he's totally on the right track here with his "Feminism and the Immersed Parent":

"One of [the] roles men must accept, the most important and the most foundational, is the role of Immersed Parent. Anecdotally and historically fathers have not been Immersed Parents as a rule.... Fathers today are being asked, and are asking, to be immersed just as, classically, mothers have been. Not every father is being asked to become a primary caregiver, an at-home dad, or even to come up with a complicated scheme to ensure that the parenting responsibilities are divided utterly equitably. But I think every father is being asked, now, to be Immersed in his fatherhood. Because with this immersion comes a respect for a role that women have traditionally maintained, and a different perspective on the social and economic conditions affecting that role."

As a feminist myself, I really enjoyed reading another father's thoughts on these issues (it's rather rare to find another father quite as honest about these things as this guy). And considering how my own role as an Immersed Parent (or co-parent) reflects my own respect for the role women have played is also a good thought. Here's another interesting statement from Backpacking Dad (why backpacking, I'm not sure)-- discuss amongst yourselves:

"... just as the workplace does not need to be structured solely according to male needs and input, neither does parenthood need to be defined according to what mom would do."

Finally, in my reading of blog comments and other links, I also came across the blog Daddy Dialectic, who about a year ago posted his own responses to the "10 Questions on Feminist Fatherhood." Again, not sure I agree with all of his thoughts, but at least he pushing buttons on this issue. I think he's working on a book called "Twenty-First Century Dad" (in press, I think).
And I'll leave you with one last link and provocation. The always controversial Linda Hirshman wrote a little diddy in the American Prospect a couple years ago that pushes against men rather hard, arguing that men are likely to adopt more equal parenting roles only if they need to sacrifice nothing to do so (ouch!). Here's a an interesting blurb from her 2007 article "What a Load":

"... experts estimate that men's relative contribution to routine indoor housework is now about half that of women's, and fathers are available to their children about three-fourths as much as mothers, interacting about two-thirds as often on weekdays." There we go: women are working twice as hard on the household scut work and one-third again as hard on childcare. Forty-four years after the publication of The Feminine Mystique, you've come a long way, baby."

As the role of parent gets closer and closer, I'm going to get more and more interested in what role I will play in this new stage of our lives (co-parent? Immersed Parent? just plain dad?), and how we both will navigate the very complex matrix of gender, society, parenting, grandparent-handling, diaper-debates, breastfeeding, daycareland, and the all-important star of this adventure .. Mr. Short Stranger, himself.

What the ???

Please, someone tell me what the heck is up with this website. I found this linked on DaddyTypes, and can't figure out what the angle is on this one. It seems perhaps a complete joke, or perhaps the humor isn't coming across quite right for me (or it's totally serious). Thoughts? Comments?

Website: LET'S PANIC ABOUT BABIES!

Through this site, I did learn that 45% of pregnant women's partners are "emotionally stunted jocks" and another 21% are either "total jerks" or "clinically insane." Now it all makes sense. I also learned about some things that will nauseate Bryna during the third trimester, such as "Elves" and "Zombies." Now you have to visit this site, right?

the 1st shower: Mike's thoughts

Couple quick thoughts on the first baby shower in Iowa this weekend:

1) It was a great time! We got some great, useful things for little guy, and got to see pretty much the entire Campbell clan (plus surrogates) -- except Bob and Lindsey (doh!). There were, of course, lots of family pictures, lots of barbecued meat, and lots of Campbell-ing (I'm not quite sure what that is, but it happens when the Campbells get together, that's for sure. Usually it involves singing Christmas carols and taking pictures of people's butts, but these seem to have mostly slipped by during this August get-together).
2) Still a large reluctance for Campbell men to participate in a baby shower (the realm of women, right?). Big shout out to Will-i-am Campbell, and Grandpa-to-be John, for both breaking the barrier and joining us to open gifts with the ladies. And Wil's card to me even brought to light another gender stereotype, because he COULD NOT find a baby shower card addressed to a man/dad (so he made a note of that on a non-gender-specific card) -- another travesty easy to let slide, but very interesting to notice. Thanks for being aware of these issues, Wil!

3) While Bryna and I are so thrilled to be getting such nice things from family and friends, we're still learning so much about what we are going to need to prepare for the arrival of the pumpkin baby. We made plenty of faces while opening gifts that probably looked something like "oh, thanks, this is GREAT . . . wait, what do we do with it?" Yet I'm positive Grandpa-to-be John made this face many more times than we did.
4) Even for someone who has been to Iowa in the summer countless times, I still think that Iowa is beautiful. The weather was amazing for this trip, and the light was really nice as we all finished our dinner, watched the kids (mostly Scott and Joel) play wiffle-ball homerun derby, and took family pictures.

Overall, excellent first shower! Thanks Campbell clan and Iowa!

could the recession lead to a readjustment of gender roles?

... another valid question posed by a recent post on the NY Times City Room blog: "Who’s That With Baby at the Y? Why, It’s Daddy."

Seems that the recession could be increasing the parenting role of men, since males have had a higher percentage of lay-offs recently and since couples are trying to make their schedules as flexible as possible to share parenting responsibilities in order to prevent the need for child care (saving big time benjamins). Could the failed economic policies of the Bush presidency be leading to less gender segregated roles for parents? I think that was Dubya's master plan all along (sorry to get semi-political again -- I really try to refrain).

Wanted: A Small Step for Fathering

OK, I'm not sure if this will all come out and make logical sense right now, but I wanted to begin posting my growing questions and concerns about the stereotyping of fathers' roles in parenting (I reserve the right to revise my comments later as I have more time to think). As we've been going to baby stores, reading about pregnancy and raising a child, etc., I've been noticing what a rather small minority of new fathers must notice -- there is a lot of gender stereotyping going on. Is this world really more open to men who share the parenting commitment with their spouses? How many small (and large) barriers and annoyances will I encounter as I take a shared role in raising our son?

What sparked this? Well, for one thing, we really wanted to find an outfit for our son-to-be that said something connecting Father and Son (you know, for Father's Day). With the exception of a couple obnoxiously masculine baseball outfits with sayings like "Daddy's Hero" and things like that, there was pretty much nothing. However, lots of "Daddy's Little Girl." Is there something wrong in this society with a father connecting to his son as a parent? On the flip side, is there something wrong with a mother connecting with her daughter (there were also no Mommy-Daughter sayings on clothing)? So the corporate clothing manufacturers/designers are already determining parenting roles and parent-child relationships before the child is even born. And the color split in the stores is really annoying: blue and brown to the right, pink and yellow to the left . . . and DON'T CROSS THE STREAMS!

OK, so clothing is really insignificant in the whole scheme of things. What else sparked this? Here's a great NY-Times blog post I read recently which sums up a lot of my existing concerns and frustrations: "Changing the Language of Fatherhood." More power to you. I agree with the "Mommy & Me" focus of most parent-child classes (although our local YMCA does offer some general classes that do not specify "mommy," which I was happy to see). I would go a bit farther than Mr. Dreilsma and complain about the lack of expectant father and father parenting blogs that actually talk about anything real (other than tech gadgets and unrealistic gear). There are a couple good ones out there, but nothing in comparison to all the sites geared completely towards expectant and new mothers. I'm not expecting any level of equality on this, but would love to see more fathers blog about just parenting (and nix the tech-centric, BoBo, witty postings -- something I'm admittedly working on myself).

One final hurdle for new fathers -- lack of changing tables in men's public restrooms. Andrew Newman wrote a good piece on this recently in the NY Times, with blogger Greg Allen doing some field research on how many restrooms for men really had changing stations . . . not many.

So I'll keep posting any thoughts I have on this male parent gender role thing. Maybe I'll make more sense the next time.

That's MR. Short Stranger to you . . .

Yep, we finally found out that the Short Stranger is a boy! Very exciting news (although it definitely would have been exciting either way, but overall it's cool just to know). So for now, it's MR. Short Stranger . . . or El Sr. Extranjero Corto. I think the Chinese would be happy -- I mean, THEY gave us the fortune ; )

On two other related notes: (1) Our cat Tim has begun to misbehave, and we're pretty sure it's completely related to Bryna being pregnant. He has pee-ed twice on blankets, and has been acting a little weird. So we're not exactly sure what to do with him (unless . . . ex-President to the rescue!).

(2) In my duties as father of my now-to-be son, I have been playing music so that he will have a more enjoyable stay in the womb, and also so he will oddly recognize random music later in this life. So I've been playing the Black Eyed Peas "Boom Boom Pow" whenever I get the chance, including setting that song on my Alarm Clock. Here's a peek at what our son will surely memorize before birth, and be dancing to periodically in the womb. I hope this will give him good rhythm.

Let's let the Chinese chime in on baby gender...

Well, based on this Chinese Lunar Calendar, it looks like we're supposed to have a girl.

This Chinese Birth Chart gives us a 58% chance of having a girl.

But then I took this Chinese gender prediction test which actually used some data on our date of conception, birth date of mother, etc., and it predicts that we're having a boy. Go figure.

I couldn't find any gender prediction tests for fathers, although one Bryna took did say that if 'the father' gained weight that it will be a girl (and I have gained some weight recently). I also could not find any Japanese, Indian, Polish, African, or Latin American gender prediction calendars, so apparently only the Chinese are obsessed with this issue . . . and I wonder why.

Soon we'll know which prediction method was correct, and which are totally bogus (all?).