the increasingly complicated role of the father-parent

OK, so it's been quite some time since I dipped into the "gender rant" realm, but here goes another small dose from the mind of Mike. Sorry for these rambling, random thoughts and links. I'd enjoy any comments.

With Short Stranger on his way pretty soon, the mom-to-be and myself have certainly been having more and more conversations about what roles we'd like to have as parents, and how to really be involved in a much more equal way--and what that really means given the restrictions of our lives (that happen to currently fall into somewhat gendered categories). How does the 9-5 working parent share in the tasks of raising a child as much as the parent working/research/writing from home? Outside of leave time and flexible schedules, what might this really be like?

I'm not going to swallow a bug here, so I'm not going to get in-depth on my own thoughts on this topic too much right now (I don't think there is any way for me to write a complete post here without getting a strong backlash from someone or other -- trust me, I've typed and deleted several paragraphs already). But I will say that fathers too often tend to serve a much more distanced or removed parenting role than mothers. And I'm not even just talking previous generations, but I mean now. Not everyone of course (I can think of a few examples of fathers who really have stepped up to the plate to be fully knighted as parents -- you know who you are). And I'm not certain most guys consciously do this at all, but somehow this is how the chips fall. On the flip side of the coin is the mother who thinks her husband should stay far away from any real parenting-like things. That seemed more conscious with earlier generations, but I think today society is playing its dirty role of pressuring mothers into being "good mothers" and taking on everything (full-time mom roles, full household work, professional working roles, etc. etc. etc.).
I'm going to give my hats off to Backpacking Dad for his recent post that discusses fathers in the role of "Immersed Parent." I'm not sure I agree with everything he writes here (I might be a tad more radical than him), but he's totally on the right track here with his "Feminism and the Immersed Parent":

"One of [the] roles men must accept, the most important and the most foundational, is the role of Immersed Parent. Anecdotally and historically fathers have not been Immersed Parents as a rule.... Fathers today are being asked, and are asking, to be immersed just as, classically, mothers have been. Not every father is being asked to become a primary caregiver, an at-home dad, or even to come up with a complicated scheme to ensure that the parenting responsibilities are divided utterly equitably. But I think every father is being asked, now, to be Immersed in his fatherhood. Because with this immersion comes a respect for a role that women have traditionally maintained, and a different perspective on the social and economic conditions affecting that role."

As a feminist myself, I really enjoyed reading another father's thoughts on these issues (it's rather rare to find another father quite as honest about these things as this guy). And considering how my own role as an Immersed Parent (or co-parent) reflects my own respect for the role women have played is also a good thought. Here's another interesting statement from Backpacking Dad (why backpacking, I'm not sure)-- discuss amongst yourselves:

"... just as the workplace does not need to be structured solely according to male needs and input, neither does parenthood need to be defined according to what mom would do."

Finally, in my reading of blog comments and other links, I also came across the blog Daddy Dialectic, who about a year ago posted his own responses to the "10 Questions on Feminist Fatherhood." Again, not sure I agree with all of his thoughts, but at least he pushing buttons on this issue. I think he's working on a book called "Twenty-First Century Dad" (in press, I think).
And I'll leave you with one last link and provocation. The always controversial Linda Hirshman wrote a little diddy in the American Prospect a couple years ago that pushes against men rather hard, arguing that men are likely to adopt more equal parenting roles only if they need to sacrifice nothing to do so (ouch!). Here's a an interesting blurb from her 2007 article "What a Load":

"... experts estimate that men's relative contribution to routine indoor housework is now about half that of women's, and fathers are available to their children about three-fourths as much as mothers, interacting about two-thirds as often on weekdays." There we go: women are working twice as hard on the household scut work and one-third again as hard on childcare. Forty-four years after the publication of The Feminine Mystique, you've come a long way, baby."

As the role of parent gets closer and closer, I'm going to get more and more interested in what role I will play in this new stage of our lives (co-parent? Immersed Parent? just plain dad?), and how we both will navigate the very complex matrix of gender, society, parenting, grandparent-handling, diaper-debates, breastfeeding, daycareland, and the all-important star of this adventure .. Mr. Short Stranger, himself.